dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
