i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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