Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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