Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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