I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Couch. On fire.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
