dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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