im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
