dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
