Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
