My room smells like vodka and shame
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
