i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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