Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
