Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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