I'm going to jail i love you
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
