I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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