OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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