I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
