God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think my fart just growled at me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize