she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
