I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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