if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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