i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
