I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
