Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize