Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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