Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
