it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
How naked do you want me to be?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
