so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
