My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Randomize
