You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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