I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
