there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
