True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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