so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
