??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
