hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
