went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
