Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
