So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
