I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
