I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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