I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
