Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
