Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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