you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
