I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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