It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
