You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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