dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
