All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
