John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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