He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize