Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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