I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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