you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
