saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
