WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
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